Monthly Archives: December 2009
2009: My Year in Review
It’s been an interesting year. While it wasn’t as tumultuous as 2008, a.k.a. The Year Everything Broke, it was still a bit of a hassle. Which is rather normal, I suppose, because after a year where everything breaks, you have to have The Year of Putting Things Back Together.
I didn’t meet all my goals, but I’m OK with the ones I didn’t meet.
- Finish the first draft of Fairytale Redux. — This did not happen, and that’s OK.
- Adapt a novel for the screen. — I tried to make this happen and basically failed miserably. I did, however, learn a lot in my attempt, and that certainly counts for something.
- Edit/re-write SoS. — I ended up rewriting about two-thirds of this before setting aside because I just wasn’t making it work like I felt it should.
- Rewrite M. Valentine. — I did indeed complete this, but I’m still not happy with the rewrite. It lost a lot of the screwball humor I loved about the first draft even though it gained in what can probably best be called “hanging together.” I’ll likely revisit this AGAIN in 2010 because I love it, and some day I will break this story, damn it.
- Write a stage play or a comic book script for ScriptFrenzy 2009. — I was fully ready to write a stage musical for Screnzy. I had my beat sheet, my list of songs — everything. And then, the day before, I got hit with a huge feeling of unease and the notion that I should be writing something else. So I did. That script is now sitting in a drawer, perhaps waiting to be revisited next year.
- NaNoWriMo 2009. — I managed my 50k, but the whole thing was like pulling teeth. I started three different novels on the first day, which, to be frank, was dumb and sucked. Instead of worrying about having something to work with at the end of the month, I eventually just used it as catharsis to write whatever I wanted. I still like the premise, but this draft will never see the light of day. That being said, it did help me get my screenwriting mojo back for December, and that’s a pretty wonderful side effect.
- Visit a place I’ve never been before. I vacationed with my family in Tampa and tagged along on my sister’s college visit to Sarasota. Not quite what I’d envisioned, again, since I’ve been to Florida plenty of times, but those two places were technically new, so I’m counting this as done.
- Read another 24 books. — Done!
- Finish a themed short story collection. — This didn’t happen either, but I did write a good number of short stories (thanks in large part to #fridayflash), which was the point of the goal.
- Write another spec screenplay. — Done. I completed the first and second major drafts of TDPU, and I’m working on the third major draft as we speak.
- Film a short. — (I’m counting it as done, even though it’s not quite what I’d envisioned at the end of 2008.)
Despite being hit or miss on meeting those specific goals, I did a number of other things instead:
- I learned the basics of horseback riding.
- I brushed up on my French with an intermediate course.
- I went to the symphony for the first time — specifically The Lord of the Rings Symphony.
- I saw Spring Awakening, Wicked, a radio-style performance of Big River, two high school plays, and one high school performance of Footloose.
- Watched 210+ films
- Wrote 70+ blog posts (here and at Ditty Cooks) and moved to my own domain.
- Attended a BlueCat 10-page Screenwriting Workshop.
- Had a script (MUTE) make the first round of the British Feature Screenwriting Competition, the Quarterfinals of the BlueCat Screenwriting Competition, and the Top 15%/Top 1000 of the Nicholl Fellowship.
- Wrote 10 short stories.
Lessons Learned: Sometimes you just have to let things go. In screenwriting and writing in general, one of the first lessons you have to learn is how to finish a project. In 2008, I got really good at finishing projects. In 2009, I learned when to abandon a project (and when not to). Sometimes something just isn’t working, no matter how hard you’re trying to force it. If you’ve give it all you have, then it’s OK to consider perhaps setting aside and moving on to something new. This, however, should not become a habit. If there’s any doubt in your mind, keep going. Carry on, brave soldier. But don’t slog away at a project that you know isn’t working when you could be spending it on another project that will work. This lesson doesn’t stop at work, though. As hard as we might want to cling to things in life, sometimes it becomes toxic to do so. You can’t always force things, be it a job, a friendship, a relationship. In short, if something isn’t bringing you joy or satisfaction on a regular basis, then redefine the way you look at that thing. Let go of the old expectations and accept the possibility of something new.
All in all, I can’t really complain about 2009. It was really rough at times, but it was also really great at times. I am ready to leave it behind, though. Here are my goals for 2010.
- Read 24 books in 2010.
- Read 24 scripts in 2010.
- Finish TDPU & submit to contests.
- ScriptFrenzy 2010.
- NaNoWriMo 2010.
- Visit a place I’ve never been before (preferably in Europe).
- Write [secret project].
- Film [secret project].
- Write an adaptation.
- Keep up with FridayFlash/short stories.
- Watch 200 movies.
I’ve survived a couple of rocky years now, and I’m ready for something different. I’m hereby declaring 2010 The Year of Awesome. I’m ready for it, and you’re all invited. Hats off to 2009 — it’s been real. Let’s move on to the fantastic.
Ditty’s Favorite Movies of 2009
Death, taxes, and end-of-year faves lists. Here’s mine.
[Amended Dec. 29 to add DISTRICT 9.]
11
STAR TREK
Writers: Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman
Director: J.J. Abrams
Is this film perfect? No. Does it have logic gaps? Yes. Does it go off the rails a bit with the snow monster scene? Sure, I’ll give you that one. Did any of these things lessen my enjoyment? Not a bit. In hindsight, I probably should have rated this one four stars, but I didn’t, and here’s why. This is as perfect a summer popcorn flick as we’re ever likely to get. It’s crazy amounts of fun, it’s got some smart elements, it’s got great characters, a little romance, and a solid emotional core behind all the action. It may have made some die-hard Trekkies (or Trekkers) a bit angry because it’s definitely not a traditional prequel (Sorry, Mom!). But for me, as someone who enjoyed but wasn’t fanatical about the Original Series, I thought it was an extremely creative way to be able to rewrite history without erasing it. My mom will probably wring my neck for saying that, and if they ever did something like this with The X-Files, I’d probably be out there with torches and pitchforks, but I have to be honest. I thought this relaunch was great, and I’m looking forward to the next installment.
10
AWAY WE GO
Writers: Dave Eggers & Vendela Vida
Director: Sam Mendes
Some might say this movie is pure indie bait, but I’d say, who cares? For me, this was an amusing and tender look at a couple who doesn’t really fit into any traditional mold trying to find out where they belong in the world. John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph turn in wonderful performances, both dramatic and comic.The supporting cast is also full of talented character actors who deliver time and again. It was enlightening to see director Sam Mendes turn in a dramedy rather than an outright drama. As much as I love AMERICAN BEAUTY, this film has a warmth and a hope to it that lifts it just above Mendes’ past darkness.
9
THE HANGOVER
Writers: Jon Lucas & Scott Moore
Director: Todd Phillips
I’m not generally a huge fan of super-broad, outright comedy, but this movie just blew me away. Absolutely hilarious, completely outrageous, and a sweet buddy comedy underneath all that. It also features The Black Suit. Any woman who’s seen this movie knows what I’m talking about. Any woman who sees this movie will know what I’m talking about. (And if you say you don’t, you’re either blind or lying.) If you need more than that, my friend Matt (check out his Faves of 2009 here) also pointed out that it’s a farce on noir films. As he put it, “Wake up with a ‘blow to the head’ and a gap in the memory and a missing body on a time limit.” That pretty much sums up the plot of the movie, except the body is the groom, and the time limit is his impending wedding. Despite all the hilarity, the film would suffer greatly without the anchor of the developing friendship between the three guys looking for the groom. Luckily, this is never sacrificed, making the film surprisingly well-rounded. It’s also worth noting that this, too, is a very nice film to look at, visually speaking, even beyond The Black Suit. The cinematography here is something that’s usually overlooked in this genre, so it was nice to see some effort put into that area, too.
8
WHATEVER WORKS
Ah, Woody Allen, how I have come to love you this past year. This is exactly the film I would expect the creator of such neurotic and obsessive characters such as Harry Block, Joe Berlin, and Alvy Singer, smack dab in the middle of his ’70s. There’s always a little Woody Allen in each of his movies that I’ve seen, even when he’s not on screen. Sometimes you have to look hard for it (It’s Vicky in VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA, Terry in CASSANDRA’S DREAM, and Nola in MATCH POINT, for instance), but it’s always there. In WHATEVER WORKS, there’s no need to guess. That being said, Boris Yellnikoff, played perfectly by Larry David, is not a role Woody himself could have played. It needed the edge, the biting bitterness, and the eff-all swagger that seems to comprise Larry David. The rest of the cast is fantastic as well: Evan Rachel Wood is hilarious as Southern hick turned belle Melodie St. Ann Celestine, Patricia Clarkson is fabulous as put-upon housewife turned avant garde artist Marietta, and Ed Begley Jr. is great as the traditional Southern Baptist patriarch who gets his world and world-view turned upside down. All in all, this film speaks to a mellowing of sorts, a letting go of expectations, and just taking what life gives you for what it is. In short, whatever works. And this does.
7
UP
Writers: Pete Docter and Bob Peterson & Thomas McCarthy (story); Bob Peterson and Pete Doctor (screenplay)
Directors: Pete Docter and Bob Peterson (co-director)
Disney-Pixar delivers again. This movie makes my Faves of ’09 list for the silent montage at the beginning alone. I’ve been known to let the tears flow freely at the theatre anyway (<ahem>Time Traveler’s Wife<ahem>), but this one was so well done, so touching, bittersweet and heartbreaking, that I was done for. The story of a grumpy old man who is befriended against his will by a plucky young boy is lifted into the fantastical as only Disney can do. The story veers into purely kid-pleasing territory at times (the airplane-flying dogs might have been overkill), but it never strays too far from the heart of the story. It’s no surprise that the film is absolutely gorgeous as well. I’m not sure Disney-Pixar is capable of making a film that isn’t. The first time the house takes flight is a magnificent study in color and wonder. Disney-Pixar films are always must-see in my book, and this one is no different.
6
DISTRICT 9
Writers: Neill Blomkamp & Terri Tatchell
Director: Neill Blomkamp
This film ruined my nice, even Top 10 list by blowing me away after I’d already posted my Top 10. This technically knocks STAR TREK out of the Top 10, which will make my mother happy. I’d not prioritized seeing this because no one told me it was character-driven. There was all this talk about social statements and comparisons to Apartheid, which I found interesting certainly, but not enough so to see it in theatres. If someone had told me what this movie is really about at its core, I would have been there in a heartbeat. Social commentary aside, this film is about a man who is forced by circumstances to find the humanity in a creature he’s always considered sub-human. The irony there is that such prejudice is, in itself, subhuman. [A little spoilerish] By becoming himself biologically subhuman, hunted by his own race, he finds himself becoming more human, able to see the sentience in the alien race. [end spoilerishness] Now that I’ve probably confused you and myself, you’ll just have to take my word for it. This film is about a guy learning what it means to be human. Do see it.
5
MOON
Writer: Duncan Jones (story); Nathan Parker (screenplay)
Director: Duncan Jones
Bleak, trippy, claustrophobic, and completely mesmerizing. I can’t say too much about this film without giving things away, so I’m going to be brief. I’m admittedly not too well-versed in science fiction outside of The X-Files and a few classic Twilight Zone episodes, but this film blew me away. Sam Rockwell’s performance was a revelation for me. Do seek out this film. It’s most definitely worth your time.
4
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER
Writer: Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber
Director: Marc Webb
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER is one of the most interesting and novel romantic comedies I’ve seen in a number of years. From the nonlinear method of storytelling (which follows an emotional journey rather than a chronological one) to the characters and story, this film is anything but cookie cutter. While indie darling Zooey Deschanel is perfectly charming and incredibly infuriating all at once, it’s really Joseph Gordon-Levitt who turns in a performance that is both full of humor, heartbreak and hope. As for the criticism that the film caters too much to hipsters, I’ll say once again that it is a film about two characters who *are* hipsters. (Also, only hipsters could get their panties in a wad about a film being *too* hipster.) (500) DAYS manages both the wry bitterness of Woody Allen and the sly sweetness of Richard Curtis when he’s on his game. Among all the schmaltzy, seen-’em-a-thousand-times romantic comedies out there, this one is a huge breath of fresh air.
3
THE BROTHERS BLOOM
This movie seems to have gone through every level of distribution hell that exists short of not getting distribution at all. Usually this signals trouble, but there’s none to be found here. In Rian Johnson’s follow-up to high school noir BRICK, he delivers a fairy tale about con men (in his own words). On the surface, it’s a story about two orphaned brothers, one of whom wants to find love, and the other who loves the art of being a con man — specifically, the storytelling aspect of it. The older brother (played by Mark Ruffalo) is cast as the designer, the weaver of fates, very early on, leaving the younger (Adrien Brody) to feel like nothing more than a pawn in his brother’s games. If that’s not enough, you’ve got Rachel Weisz in her quirkiest and most captivating role to date, playing a reclusive heiress who takes up odd hobbies to keep herself busy. I don’t want to give away too much of the story, but it’s not revealing too much to say that things get complicated when the younger brother falls for their latest (and potentially last) mark, the heiress. Much like EASY VIRTUE, this film is light and frothy with a sort of dark underbelly to it. Also like EASY VIRTUE, it’s a beautiful movie. Johnson used the same cinematographer (Steve Yedlin) as he did for BRICK, which is also striking in a very different way, and he delivers a unique and gorgeous picture once again. This one’s available to rent but not yet to buy (another level of undeserved distribution hell).
2
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
Writer/Director: Quentin Tarantino
My knowledge of Tarantino’s work currently doesn’t extend beyond KILL BILL. I thought Vol. 1 went a little overboard by the time it got to the Crazy 88s, but was otherwise solid. I adore Vol. 2, though. Hype like INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS was getting makes me nervous, so I went in almost expecting to be let down. Boy, was I wrong. As I said in my original mini-review, the opening sequence is a master class in building tension. Having an entire theatre on the edge of their seats watching two people sitting at a table and talking? Masterful. There’s really no other word. The rest of the film alternates between comic and dark, much like you’d expect from Tarantino. Of course there are complaints about it not being historically accurate — and it’s most certainly not — but I’d venture to say that anyone lodging that complaint is missing the point. What Tarantino has created here is a fantasy, a story that ties up loose ends that were left undone in reality, and, in some ways, a big middle finger to the Nazis as well as a love letter to cinema in general. As manic and wonderfully ridiculous as the story is at times, the film itself is shot beautifully, too. The use of color, the costumes, the sets — they’re all amazing. If you were skeptical of the hype and are still holding out, you need not worry. Get thee to your Netflix queue right away.
1
EASY VIRTUE
Writers: Stephan Elliott & Sheridan Jobbins
Director: Stephan Elliott
Here we have a film loosely based on a lesser-known Noel Coward play. This is a hard movie to describe. On one hand, it’s a satire of staid British period pieces (helmed by a tricksy Australian, of course). On the other, it’s a light frothy comedy with some hilarious musical twists. On the third hand, it’s a drama dealing with the dark side of family heritage, duty and sacrifice. I most often describe it as a sort of British MEET THE PARENTS set in the 1930s, but it’s really so much more than that. The non-movie geeks I’ve shown it to have said things along the lines of “I’ve never seen anything quite like that before.” I think it’s a strange but entrancing film for a lot of folks because the characters are so complex. You feel for everyone, but you also want to smack everyone. You understand why they’re doing the things they are, but you really wish they’d rather not. You know you’re watching a group of characters go through some dark stuff, but it’s presented in such a light, comic manner for the most part that it’s certainly palatable if not downright delicious. On top of all this, it’s an absolutely gorgeous film — the colors, the use of mirrors, the countryside, the cast… Speaking of the cast, it’s filled with British heavyweights Colin Firth and Kristen Scott-Thomas alongside Ben Barnes, who is delightful, and Jessica Biel, who turns in a career-changing performance. Some critics have said she doesn’t hold her own against Scott-Thomas, but I couldn’t disagree more. There’s a coldness and an awkwardness to their scenes that is perfectly appropriate for the characters and the story. Biel is both devastating and hilarious in turns. While this movie isn’t my critical favorite of the year (that would probably go to MOON or INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS), it is my personal favorite.
And that wraps it up. It’s worth nothing that these were simply my favorites out of the approximately 210 movies I saw in 2009. I didn’t get a chance to see some of the films critics are calling “best,” including UP IN THE AIR, PRECIOUS, THE ROAD, A SINGLE MAN, or A SERIOUS MAN, all which would have been potential contenders for my list. They still have the chance to make next year’s, of course. But that’s why this is a “Ditty’s Faves” list and not a “Best of.”
So, what were your favorite films of 2009? What do you think of mine?
Recap: 28 December 2009
Hey, look! A normal-sized movie round-up! I know, I know. It’s hard to believe.
Also of note, I’ve started a tumblr. I consider it a place for things that are more than a tweet and less than a blog. It’s also a a place I plan to use more for pointing things out (like good dialog, quotes that strike a chord, particularly interesting images), rather than original content. So, feel free to check it out if you feel so inclined.
Now, off to…
What I Watched
Fargo (4 stars): Part black comedy and part thriller, this now-classic Coen Bros. movie lives up to its reputation. Frances McDormand is delightful as the surprisingly on-the-ball and pregnant police woman of a small Minnesotan town. She’s the heart of this at-times surprisingly sweet movie, but it never loses its bite.
The Ramen Girl (3½ stars): This fish-out-of-water tale starring the late Brittany Murphy is about a girl stranded in Japan after being more or less unceremoniously dumped by her boyfriend. Unfulfilled by her boring job and drowning in loneliness, she decides she’s going to learn the art of Ramen, which is very different than your Cup O Noodles. What follows is a battle of wills: Girl against herself, Girl against her teacher, Girl against culture hurdles. The result is a surprisingly charming film with a touch of magic to it .
The Last Temptation of Christ (4 stars): This film is a portrait of Jesus as man. Willem Dafoe is captivating as the titular figure, displaying a human side to Jesus that is rarely touched upon in any real way. The film starts with a disclaimer that it is not based on the gospels, and that’s true, but I didn’t find it heretical either. It’s most certainly a film that makes you think, and one that warrants discussion, and any film that can do that is worth seeing.
Empire Records (3½ stars): This movie is sort of the embodiment of the ’90s for me. The fashion, the emo-grunge-punk scene, the intensity and hilarity of life as a teen in that era — it’s all there. You also get early performances from the likes of Liv Tyler and Renée Zellweger plus some of the most quotable dialog ever. Super-fn and touching with an edge.
Kill Bill Vol. 1 (4 stars): I saw this when it came out in theatres, and it was my first experience with Quentin Tarantino. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen, and, even though I was annoyed by the Crazy 88s sequence at the end (the blood was a bit much for me, not in a squeamish sort of way, but in an, “OK, I get it” sort of way), I definitely knew I’d seen something special. VOL. 2 blew me away, and now, coming back to Vol. 1, I find it’s grown on me as well. I’m planning in digging in to the rest of QT’s films next year, but, based on my experience, KILL BILL isn’t a bad place to start if you’re looking to.
Sherlock Holmes (2½ stars): I’ve never read a Sherlock Holmes story, so I had no preconceived literary expectations going in. Even so, I found myself a little disappointed. There was so much action and so many different twists and turns and layers of story that the characters — which should be the best part of a Holmes adaptation, right? — sort of got lost in the shuffle. That being said, I found Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law to be hilarious and charming and extremely enjoyable when they got the chance to really interact with each other. There’s plenty of room for sequels down the line, and I’d be up for seeing them because those two are so darn likeable. But they’ve got to give us more Holmes and Watson and less everything else.
Duplex (3 stars): This extremely dark romantic comedy, directed by Danny DeVito and starring Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore, has always been an odd sort of favorite of mine. It’s the story of a married couple who move into a (you guessed it) Duplex, in which an elderly woman inhabits the second floor. At first she appears to be very sweet if innocuously annoying, but things escalate quickly and the couple finds themselves in an all-out war. Part of me wonders what Woody Allen might have done with this story — it has strains of MATCH POINT and SCOOP — but it’s an interesting film as is. Certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s also certainly not the cookie cutter rom com you might expect from Stiller and Barrymore.
It’s Complicated (4 stars): I went in with pretty high hopes to this romantic comedy starring Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, and I’m happy to say they were met. Unlike your average romantic comedy, it felt emotionally authentic. The three leads are great (when is Streep not great?), and John Krasinski, playing the son-in-law, steals every single scene he is in. Definitely worth seeing.
Arsenic and Old Lace (3 stars): This one’s a classic screwball/slapstick comedy starring Cary Grant as a slightly neurotic newlywed who finds out that his two sweet-as-syrup, spinster aunts have been offing old men and burying them in the cellar. It’s great fun, and I think it would be even more fun to see on stage (where the story was originally performed).
The Maltese Falcon (3½ stars): I’m not sure if it’s because the genre has been parodied so much in recent times or what, but this classic noir film starring Humphrey Bogart played at times like a comedy for me. That’s certainly not a dig, because it worked even then. I wasn’t playing as close attention as I should have been, so I missed a lot of the double-, triple-, and quadruple-crosses. So, my advice is to watch it with full focus. Even though I missed some of the details, the wordplay among the characters was still enough to earn it high marks in my book.
That’s it on the movie round-up. Stay tuned this week for my Faves of 2009 List. Hope you all are enjoying and making the best of the last few days of 2009!
Merry Happy
I’ve wanted to send out a 100-word Christmas story with my Christmas cards for a few years now. This is the first year I’ve gotten around to writing a story. Alas, I did not get around to actually sending Christmas cards. So, I present it here instead, along with my wishes for a lovely Christmas if you celebrate it and a lovely day regardless.
And to make up for the mush, I’ll also share this riveting piece of cinema, created by my sister and myself as a bit of Christmas entertainment for our family.
Recap: 20 December 2009
Off we go with the Mega-est Movie Recap Ever.
Lost in La Mancha (4 stars): I’m not sure who had the foresight to document the making of the ill-fated THE MAN WHO KILLED DON QUIXOTE, helmed by sometimes-out-of-control visionary Terry Gilliam (see the next entry), but whoever it was is a genius. This documentary is both hilarious and heartbreaking. Highly recommended for anyone interested in what goes into making a film, Terry Gilliam, or train wrecks. (Bonus: It features Johnny Depp, too.)
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (3 stars): Terry Gilliam’s imagination is a truly amazing thing, but he strikes me as a director who needs to be reined in at times. It’s obvious that no one was reining him in for this film. This film is sort of like a train wreck that starts out hideous but ends up in a glorious display of fireworks. It’s epic and nutty and quirky, and I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s certainly an experience.
The Lady Eve (3 stars): A classic screwball comedy. Snappy dialog. Unbelievable but charming premises and events. A love story. Fun and frothy, but not very deep.
The Blind Side (3 stars): This film was admittedly better than I thought it would be. It’s a bit too sentimental for my tastes, and, in some ways, seems like an uncontroversial version of PRECIOUS (which I haven’t seen). This is the sort of movie that delivers pretty much exactly what you’d expect. It’s a nice, feel-good, family flick, but it doesn’t ask the audience for too much.
Fantastic Mr. Fox (2½ stars): I’m a fan of Wes Anderson in general, but I thought this film in particular suffered from the whole style over substance problem for which he is often criticized. It was very interesting to look at (hence, the style), but the story never really grabbed me. THE DARJEELING LIMITED remains my favorite of his films.
Seven Up! (3 stars): The first in a series of documentary films following the same group of people. This is the weakest of the ones I’ve seen, but only because there’s not as much ground to explore. This one’s short and worth checking out to meet the seven-year-olds, but I think they get exponentially more fascinating as they go on.
7 Plus Seven (4 stars): At 14 years old, the children are starting to develop personalities of their own. This one’s also fairly short, but seeing how much the kids have changed in seven years is quite intriguing.
21 Up (4 stars): And this is where things really start to get interesting. Caught between that weird middle ground between the teen years and true adulthood, this is where the kids are just starting to reconcile what awaits them with the dreams they had. The interviews and observations are handled with care by director Michael Apted (who recently wrapped production on THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER, the next Narnia film). He is neither cruel in his questions nor too delicate.
The Bishop’s Wife (3 stars): This Christmas-themed film was remade back in 1996 as THE PREACHER’S WIFE, starring Whitney Houston as the titular wife and Denzel Washington in what was originally Cary Grant’s role. The story centers on a religious figure who is too wrapped up in his duties to realize his marriage is suffering. An angel is sent to deliver the bishop/preacher’s help, though not in the way the bishop/preacher expected, of course. What fun would that be? My only issue with this film is that the wife seems oblivious to the fact that the angel is Cary Effing Grant, who has fallen in love with her. When he hints at this, she’s horrified instead of being like, “No, I love my husband, but, well, you are Cary Grant. No, no. I do love my husband.” I think THE PREACHER’S WIFE does a better job of that actually, but the rest of the story beats go to THE BISHOP’S WIFE.
How to Be (2 stars): Being a fan of quirky, dark, indie comedies, I had high hopes for this Robert Pattinson vehicle. Sadly, it failed to live up to those hopes. I was really trying to find a place to latch onto this film, but there just weren’t any handles. The characters weren’t likeable or realistic or really all that quirky. The whole film just felt very, very flat. I was hoping for something in the tonal vein of BIGGA THAN BEN (why is this movie still not available on DVD stateside?), but I just couldn’t find anything charming at all. I don’t blame the actors here either; they just didn’t have much to work with unfortunately.
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (3 stars): Quirky Woody Allen comedy about a supernaturally-enabled jewel heist. Enjoyable, but not mind-blowing. Helen Hunt is a riot, though.
Moonstruck (4 stars): I was pleasantly surprised by this classic romcom. I didn’t really know what to expect going in — I mean, we’re talking Cher and Nicolas Cage here, who are sometimes great and sometimes, well, not — but I have to say I really, really enjoyed it. It’s an unusually frank but still sweet look at love past its generally-assumed prime. And it’s written by John Patrick Shanley, who wrote DOUBT. Yes, the nun-priest movie. Definitely worth checking out.
The Princess & the Frog (3½ stars): Disney animation is back, folks. The only thing that keeps this movie from being a 4-star or higher review from me is the music, which doesn’t live up to previous standards. Alan Menken is reportedly coming back for the next Disney musical, and it will be a very welcome return. That being said, the story is lovely, and the animation is gorgeous. It’s not quite back to THE LITTLE MERMAID, BEAUTY & THE BEAST, or ALADDIN standards, but it’s a definitely a huge leap in the right direction.
The Seven Year Itch (1 star): What is there to like about this movie? Honestly, can someone please enlighten me? Marilyn Monroe is pretty, but that’s about the only nice thing I’ve got to say about this one.
Deconstructing Harry (3½ stars): Another Woody Allen flick about an author whose novels are very thinly veiled versions of his life. This, of course, does not please the people who come and go in said author’s life. It’s a comedy, but it’s also got dramatic strains as the author comes to terms with what he’s done to his life. It’s not my favorite Woody Allen movie, but it’s definitely one I’d say is worth checking out.
The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie (3 stars): If you’re interested in a French farce about the ridiculousness of the upper middle class in the 1970s, then this film is for you. If not, then, this film would probably bore the heck out of you. Personally, I found it amusing, but slow.
Sex & the City: The Movie (3½ stars): With this film, I have now completed my Sex & the City education. I fell in love with the series, and the movie didn’t let me down. I’m interested to see what they do with the second movie because this one wrapped things up pretty nicely. If you’re unfamiliar with the series, the movie would probably still be enjoyable, but this movie is clearly for the fans.
The Man Who Knew Too Much (4 stars): This poor movie’s climactic scene has been stolen so many times, and often by lesser movies (the enjoyable enough GET SMART remake and the abysmal EAGLE EYE come to mind). And in a list of Hitchcock’s great films, this one often seems to be forgotten. That being said, I found it to be a compelling thriller with great performances from Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day. Having only seen Doris Day in romcoms ’til this point, I was especially impressed by her. Definitely one to check out.
Two Lovers (2 stars): Also known as, The Last Movie Joaquin Phoenix Made Before He Went Nuts. The problem with this film is that not a whole lot happens. You’ve got a whiny baby of a main character who doesn’t know what to do with his life, a vapid but pretty woman who steals his lust, and a dim but sweet girl who genuinely cares for the whiny baby of a main character even though he treats her more or less like dirt. The performances are all very good, in that they made me really dislike the characters, I suppose. But there was no arc, and movies with no arc frustrate me. So, there you have it. Too bad this had to be Phoenix’s apparent last film, as I think he has/had the potential to do better.
The Girlfriend Experience (3½ stars): This film follows the life of a trying-to-be-high-class call girl. It’s filmed in a stark, documentary style, and it starts out fairly slow. The main character, Chelsea, is so closed off at first that it’s hard to connect with the story. But eventually the cracks start to appear in her seemingly empty façade, and we learn there’s more than meets the eye. There’s little nudity, especially considering the subject matter, but none of it struck me as gratuitous. It’s an evenhanded look at a profession most people like to pretend doesn’t exist.
The African Queen (3 stars): If it had been anyone other than Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn, I probably wouldn’t have cared much for this film. But these two stars of yore can make just about anything compelling, and they do a solid job here, too. This is the story of two complete opposites — one the merchant captain of a tiny boat who’s a bit too fond of alcohol and the other an “old maid” missionary help-mate to her preacher brother — who end up fleeing in said boat after the village is attacked by Nazis. Hijinks ensue as the Hepburn’s Rosie convinces Bogart’s Charlie to attack a Nazi ship down river. I’d call it a fun drama rather than a comedy, if that makes any sense. Certainly worth seeing if you’re a fan of either lead. (And if you aren’t, what’s wrong with you?)
Did You Hear About the Morgans? (3 stars): I’d put this about on par with THE PROPOSAL, minus the benefit of Ryan Reynold’s abs. The most interesting part of the movie for me was the brief look at a marriage on the rocks, but it had gotten pretty cliché by the last third of the movie. That being said, if you’re in the mood for a more or less brainless romantic comedy among all the heavyweights out this time of year, this is a decent way to go.
A Christmas Tale (2½ stars): This would have made a really fantastic novel, methinks. As a film, it’s way too long for its subject matter, which is a dysfunctional family brought together by Christmas and the matriarch’s battle with cancer. There’s some interesting stuff here, certainly, but again we have the lack of any real arc, or at least that’s how it seemed to me. I never really felt moved by any of the character’s plights, maybe because there were so many that none was given proper focus.
Wow, did I really get through all those? Note to self: Do not let 23 movies pile up without doing a recap post ever again.
Charity: A Christmas Story
Here’s a quick bit of short fiction I wrote last year. By the time I finished it, it was too late for a Christmas story, so this one’s been waiting all year for its debut. Hope you enjoy.
CHARITY: A CHRISTMAS STORY
Julie was setting the table when the doorbell rang announcing the arrival of her mother’s first Christmas dinner party guest. She rolled her eyes with typical teenage impertinence as she heard her mother put on her Joyful Hostess Voice to greet Mr. and Mrs. Stanson. Julie adjusted the centerpiece in the middle of the table, remarking in her head how silly it was to have a small, candle-laden winter forest scene blocking everyone’s view and crowding out the food.
Twenty minutes later, Julie; her mother, Martha (wearing a smile so plastic Julie was afraid the candles from the centerpiece might melt it); her stepfather, Steve (for whom Julie had developed a particular distaste); the Stansons (so prim, proper and polite they made your teeth hurt); and Ms. Frostberry (the divorced, busybody neighbor who wormed an invitation to Martha’s party every year) had just sat down for their Christmas dinner when the doorbell rang once more.
“Now, who could that be?” Martha asked with a chuckle.
“Well, whoever it is, they sure do have perfect timing!” Steve retorted. Everyone at the table guffawed with scripted merriment, with the exception of Julie, who smiled as politely as she could force herself to.
“Julie, dear,” Martha said, wiping tears of amusement from the corners of her eyes, “be a doll and answer the door, will you?”
Julie did as requested without complaint, more out of a desire to escape, even if only for a moment, than to please her mother. She tried to look out the window to see who was at the door, but it was fogged up due to the stifling warmth inside the house and the bitter cold outside. With no prior warning, Julie was quite surprised at what she found when she opened the door.
Before her stood a tall, clumsy-looking man in a tattered, dirt-covered suit, and she couldn’t help but note the greenish-yellow tinge to his skin and the sunkenness of his eyes in his head. In fact, she noticed, his eyes were kind of just floating aimlessly in their sockets, not bothering to focus on anything in particular.
“Um, can I help you?” she asked.
“Grrraaargh,” the man replied.
The corners of his mouth stretched back into what Julie assumed was a smile, though she was of the opinion that, due to his apparent lack of dental hygiene, he should avoid such expressions in the future at all costs.
“I’m sorry,” Julie said, trying to maintain some semblance of politeness in spite of her grumbling stomach. “I didn’t quite catch what you said.”
“Grrrraaaaaaaaagh!” he said, this time with slightly more emphasis on the “Gra.”
Julie was in no mood for this sort of game, and, if Ms. Frostberry took all the gravy again this year before she could get to it, Julie was going to be quite put out. She opened her mouth to tell the inarticulate man that he would simply have to go away and come back when her parents were not in the midst of a dinner party, but her mother’s hand on her shoulder stopped her.
“Julie, where are your manners?” Martha said, now playing a slight variation on the Joyful Hostess Voice called Concerned Samaritan. “Invite this poor gentlemen in for goodness’ sake! It’s freezing out there!”
She stepped past Julie and put her hand on the man’s elbow, guiding him inside. Julie noticed the man’s knees appeared to be locked as he clunked into the house. Every movement was jerky and straight-legged, and Julie was growing rather perturbed as he slung slush all over the floor she’d spent an hour mopping earlier that day.
“Now, what can I do for you, sir?” Martha asked.
“Grrraaargh,” the man said once again.
“Oh, you poor dear!” Martha exclaimed. “So cold you can’t even get your words out straight. Why don’t you come have some dinner. We were just having a little Christmas party, but there’s always room for one more!” Martha’s falsetto laugh rang through the entryway, and the man looked a little alarmed at the sound. “Julie, go grab a chair from the closet, dear. He can sit by you.”
“Mom, we only made enough food for six!” Julie said, growing more exasperated.
“Shame on you, Julie!” Martha said in her most horrified tone. And then she shifted directly into her Christmas TV Special Voice: “It’s Christmas, and it’s the time of year to be charitable and have good will toward our fellow man.”
“It’s not Christmas yet,” Julie muttered. “It’s December 16th.”
“Oh, you know what I mean,” Martha said out the side of her mouth, sounding like her real self for the first time since guests had arrived. “Just do it.”
Julie turned and huffed her way to the closet as her mother led the man into the dining room. She carried the metal folding chair to the table, where he nearly went into a fit at the sight of the man settling stiffly into her chair across from a very curious-looking Ms. Frostberry. Julie, with as sour an expression as she could manage, unfolded the metal chair next to the man and sat down.
“Everyone, this is…?” Martha paused, waiting for her surprise dinner guest to announce his name. When he didn’t fill in the blank (and indeed stared blankly ahead, which Martha thought a bit rude under her extremely charitable circumstances), she was forced to draw attention to her faux pas. “I’m sorry. I don’t believe I caught your name, sir.”
The man’s gaze shifted to Martha, and, in answer to her question, he said, “Grrraaargh.”
“Greg, is it?” Martha took the man’s lolling head motion to mean, “Why, yes, my name is Greg, and I’m so pleased that you were able to understand me despite my speech impediment.” She beamed and turned to her guests. “Let’s eat then, shall we?”
The guests began passing around the various dishes on the table, and Julie eyed Ms. Frostberry very carefully as she ladled gravy onto every single thing on her plate. Eyeing the growing ocean with its tiny islands of food sprinkled throughout, Julie had to fight every fiber of her being to stop herself from playing Poseidon and sending a gravy tsunami straight into Ms. Frostberry’s lap.
This train of thought was interrupted only by the passing of Julie’s least-favorite dish from her mother’s hands into her own. “Gross,” she muttered, as she shoved it into Greg’s hands. “I don’t know why you make that every year. No one likes it.”
That notion was immediately proved incorrect as Greg exclaimed, “Braaaaiinnns!” and looked the most animated he had since he’d arrived.
“No, no, Greg,” Martha corrected. “It’s called cervelle de veau.”
Greg gave her a look that resembled one of confusion. “Brains?”
“Well, they are technically brains,” Martha admitted, shaking her head slightly.
“Brains!” And with that, Greg dumped the entire contents of the dish into his mouth, spilling the overflow all over himself, the table, and the floor, as everyone looked on, horrified (except for Julie, who was fighting back snickers and trying to look horrified).
After licking the dish clean with a tongue that was noticeably blacker than that of the average human being, he set the dish down on the table with an unceremonious clatter, leaned back in his chair, clasped his ashen hands on his stomach, and let out a very contented, “Braaaaaiiiinnnnns…”
Julie looked to her mother, whose jaw was hanging open in shock. After a moment, she seemed to recover a bit, and she cleared her throat and continued passing along the now-nearly empty gravy boat to Julie. She took the ladle and pointedly scraped the bottom of the gravy boat, shooting Ms. Frostberry a scolding glance as she managed to dig out about half a ladleful of gravy. Highly dissatisfied with Ms. Frostberry’s willing ignorance of her failed gravy etiquette, Julie passed the boat to Greg.
He grabbed it excitedly from her, but, as soon as he saw the contents, his expression turned to one somewhere between severe disappointment and pain.
“Brains?” he half-growled, half-squeaked, like a dog whose paw has been stepped on.
“I’m afraid there are no more, Greg,” Martha said (and with very little sympathy after his behavior).
“Brains!” he spat out, sending a speck of cervelle de veau across the table onto Ms. Frostberry’s cheek.
“Oh!” she exclaimed, having never been subjected to having brains splattered across her face before.
“Braaiinns!” Greg yelled. He stood and lurched his way over to Ms. Frostberry, where he promptly snapped her neck, dug his teeth into her skull, and began munching on its contents.
Julie’s mother stood and threw her napkin down on the table indignantly. “Now, Greg! I’m sorry to be rude, but this sort of behavior is completely unacceptable!”
Greg responded, but his mouth was quite full, and what came out was even more unintelligible than usual. At that point, Mr. and Mrs. Stanson stood up.
“I’m so sorry, Martha, but I’ve just remembered we have another engagement this evening,” Mrs. Stanson said.
“Oh, please don’t go,” Martha pleaded. “I’m sure we can get this sorted out.”
“I wish we could,” Mrs. Stanson said as Mr. Stanson pulled her toward the front door. “Honestly. We’ll take a rain check, all right?”
The Stansons did not wait for a response and instead flew from the house, punctuating their departure with a slam of the front door. Martha’s shoulders drooped, and she shot an annoyed glance toward Steve who had not come to her rescue and instead was happily wolfing down the mashed potatoes on his plate. Greg looked up from Ms. Frostberry’s nearly empty skull.
“Brains?” he asked.
Martha turned to him. “Greg, it’s been lovely having you here, but I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to be on your way.”
Julie thought Greg almost looked as if his feelings were hurt.
“Graargh?”
“I’d be happy to put some ham and potatoes in a to-go container for you, if you wish,” Martha offered, taking pity on him.
Greg turned his head to look at Steve. “Brains?” he asked, looking back to Martha.
“Certainly not!” Martha shouted.
Greg looked to Julie. Julie had never been fond of Steve, and so, she just shrugged.
Greg’s mouth twisted into that hideous grin again, and he got up and lurched toward Steve. Steve tried to push Greg away, but it seemed Greg was rather adept at the whole brains-acquisition thing, and, in a matter of seconds, he was shoveling bloody gray matter into his mouth. Martha promptly fainted, and Julie rolled her eyes.
“I suppose you’ll be expecting me to clean up then,” she grumbled at her unconscious mother. She sighed her typical teenage sigh once more and turned to Greg. “Hey, Greg.” He paused in mid-shovel and looked at her. “Would you mind taking that to go? I’ve got a lot of work to do here.”
Greg shrugged and said, “Grargh.”
“Cool,” Julie replied.
Once they’d shoveled Steve’s brains into a plastic container, Julie walked Greg to the door.
“Well, it was great to meet you, Greg,” Julie said perfunctorily. “Enjoy the brains.”
“Graaaarrgh,” Greg said, baring his yellowed teeth again. He gave a little wave, and then he walked in his stiff-legged way down the drive.
Julie closed the door and leaned back against it. “From now on, charity can begin in someone else’s home.” Her sour expression returned, and she trudged back to the kitchen and began clearing dishes.
© 2009 Elizabeth Ditty
[FridayFlash] Leave Your Values At The Front Desk
I was going to post an old story, but then this jumped out at me from my idea box. It’s another venture into poetry, which happens from time to time, generally when I least expect it and never when I try to force it. It’s inspired by a blurb I read somewhere about a place where at least the first verse rings true. As for the rest, who knows?
LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
At our little Parisienne hotel, we have a simple sign.
“Leave your values at the front desk,” it declares.
With its quaint lack of pretension
And its implied promise of security
It makes our guests feel at ease.
The astute ones even chuckle,
Thinking our English is less than perfect.
They smile and say nothing, and so do we.
Never occurring to anyone
Is the realization
That we are deadly serious.
The moment your shoes, be they well-worn or très chic,
Cross the threshold into your room,
We take them into possession.
It’s in the fine print
When you sign the receipt.
Don’t blame us.
We warned you.
We are quite skilled at keeping them well-protected,
The morals, the promises, the religions and idols.
They are locked in a vault
And only we have the key.
Many of them stay there forever.
Sometimes we wonder what causes a guest
To leave them behind once their stay is done.
Other times we smile as they scurry out
Holding them tighter than ever before.
It seems to us –
And we refer to our years of experience –
That the best way to appreciate your values
Is to lose them.
And when you want to find them again,
If you want to find them again,
We will have them waiting here,
Safe and sound at the front desk.
© 2009 Elizabeth Ditty
[FridayFlash] The Search for Santa
After a month off from all non-NaNoWriMo-related writing, I’m ready to get back to business. And that means #fridayflash! Now that it’s December, I present to you a little Christmas story, inspired by an idea my sister gave me this afternoon. I hope you enjoy.
THE SEARCH FOR SANTA
Michael stared out the window as the bus drove him home. Usually one of the rowdiest of the bunch, he was completely oblivious to the furor around him. Today Michael had more serious matters than elementary hijinks on his 10-year-old mind.
The topic at school that day had been “Holiday Traditions Around the World,” and it had always proven popular with the kids leading up to the holiday break. Indeed, this year was no exception, except for Michael, who proved the rule.
As soon as Michael walked through the door, his mother could tell something was wrong. “What happened?” she asked, going to him and helping with his coat in that overly worried sort of way mothers do.
“We talked about Santa today,” Michael said, looking up at her with a grimace that he felt should explain everything.
His mother looked at him as if she’d been expecting this somehow, and she sighed and pulled him into a hug. Michael tolerated the hug for a few seconds and then pulled away. “Why is Santa different everywhere?” he asked.
“What?” his mother replied.
“Mrs. Dunning says he’s called Père Noël in France, and he goes around with Black Pete, and Black Pete gives bad kids coal. But Black Pete doesn’t come here.”
“Well…”
“And in Austria and Germany and some other places he’s called Kris Kringle, and he’s a little angel.”
“That’s because… Um…”
Michael looked at his mother with increasing frustration. “And sometimes he’s called Father Christmas, and sometimes he’s called St. Nicholas, and sometimes he wears all fur, and sometimes he wears all red. He always comes down our chimney, but Ryan says they don’t have a chimney and so he just comes in the front door. And in some places he leaves stuff in shoes. Shoes, Mom!”
His mother simply stood there, mouth opening and closing, but nothing coming out. Michael huffed, grabbed his backpack, and stomped his way into the family office where the computer was located. He sat down and pulled out the sheet of traditions his teacher had given him, the source of all his angst, and placed it next to the keyboard with the precision of a scientist. He would get to the bottom of this mess, with or without his mother’s help.
Hours passed, and his focus never wavered. His mother brought him dinner, but it remained untouched. His father tried to convince him to give up his search, at least for the night, but, having no more answers than his mother, Michael refused him. Darkness fell, and the house grew quiet. Soon only the glow of the computer screen illuminated the room. Finally, fatigue began to gnaw at him, and he allowed himself a yawn. The handout was now covered in notes, none of which had helped shed any light on the situation. If anything, poor Michael was even more inundated than before, as the internet — even one with parental controls on — had much more to say about Santa Claus than any of his peers or teachers.
Michael leaned forward and rested his chin on his crossed arms. His eyes drifted to a picture frame on his father’s desk. It was from three Christmases ago, and his mother put it out every holiday season. In it, almost too big for such a thing, he sat on the lap of a white-bearded man in a red suit — a man whom Michael had thought was Santa — while his parents stood proudly on either side. He’d been so certain in that picture, but now here he was, full of doubts. If Santa had so many names and behaved so differently around the world, perhaps he wasn’t even real at all. He’d heard other kids proclaim this, of course, but he’d always thought them fools. The thought that perhaps he had been the fool all along was enough to bring tears to his heartbroken eyes. He closed them and buried his head in his arms.
Had the tap on his shoulder not been so gentle, he might have screamed. He turned around slowly, ready to admit defeat to whichever parent had come to shuttle him off to bed. But the tap had not come from a parent. In front of his very eyes stood — well, it couldn’t have been anyone else — Santa Claus. Somehow, he looked exactly as Michael would have imagined and also like nothing he’d ever dreamed. Michael opened his mouth to speak, to ask, to cry out in happiness, and then, perhaps, in anger at all the confusion for which this man was obviously responsible. But before he could get a word out, Santa put a finger to his lips.
“Never stop searching,” he heard Santa say.
Michael leapt out of his chair and embraced the jolly old man with all the relief and thankfulness of a child who has just had hope renewed. As much as Michael wanted to beg Santa to stay, for some reason he knew he couldn’t. He watched with both longing and joy as he disappeared into the night, and then he turned back to the computer, his determination to find out as much as he could renewed.
His parents found him asleep the next morning at the computer. Seconds after they had tenderly shaken him awake, he launched into his story, sparing no detail nor enthusiasm. His parents nodded patiently and smiled patronizingly, and even though they never said it, he could tell that they thought it had been nothing more than a dream. But Michael knew better.
© 2009 Elizabeth Ditty







